When should I help a disabled person?

When it comes to disability, there are many people who want to be supportive and inclusive - but don't know how. "When should I help a disabled person" is probably one of the disability questions I'm asked most often.

The answer is actually quite simple:

1. Do they look like they are struggling/actual.ly need help?

   If YES:

2. In this context, am I probably the right person to give help?

   If YES

3. Ask if they want your help.

   If YES - go ahead and help.

If the answer to any of the above is NO - stop. Your help is not needed.. Let them get on with their lives. Without comment or stress.

Always offer calmly and respectfully - and accept any no without judgement and without defensiveness.

Let's take a few examples from a recent trip to Scotland

The hot chocolate lady:

I was on a 4 hour train journey with no way to reach the buffet car as the corridors are too narrow for my wheels.

A lady from my carriage was about to walk past me, then paused and casually asked 'can I get you anything from the buffet car while I'm there?' - No mention of disability, not patronising. Just a friendly offer that I was completely free to say yes or no to.

Incidentally, I asked for a hot chocolate. and it was very delicious.

5/5

The breakfast lady:

I was getting my breakfast from the hotel buffet. Something well within my capacity. But I always sit and survey the area before getting food - taking note of the locations of what I want, and best routes to them, etc. While paused, a lady asked me 'do you want any help with anything?'

I replied "no thank you, I'm good".

She said "Ok, let me know if you need anything" - and went back to her seat.

Although in this one I turned down the help - it was also done well. She didn't get the 'was I struggling' quite right, but she listened to my answer and respected it. And because she listened, and just accepted my answer, I knew that if I did need help after all, I could ask her and she'd listen to what I needed. So the overall effect of her offer was very positive.

(It's amazing how often people 'help' with what they've decided I need, and don't listen to what I say, and when it's not actually helpful at all, they genuinely can't believe it - and assume I'm lying/difficult/ungrateful!)

4/5

The toilet people:

At a station, I needed the loo. The door to the accessible toilet was directly off the main concourse - so there were people nearby.

I went up to the door - and realised I needed my RADAR key (key that unlocks many accessible toilets across the UK). So I sat by the door while I found my keys.)

A woman sat near noticed me, and asked if I needed help (she didn't get up - just quietly asked from where she sat) - I said 'No, I'm just getting the key' she said 'OK' - and continued reading.

4/5 for the toilet lady. Again, a good experience.

Once I found my key, I unlocked the door and started to open it. In leaps 'toilet man'. Taking the door from my hand so he could 'helpfully' hold it open. Wide open. Displaying my destination to the universe. And because he held the door - he aslo had complete control over when to close it. I had to sit in a toilet cubicle, visible to everyone in the station concourse, and just wait until this random bloke decided it was time to close the door. While he is watching my every move.

I mean, seriously?

DO NOT DO THIS.

EVER.

JUST NO.

He didn't check if I was struggling. (If I wasn't capable of opening the door to an accessible toilet, I wouldn't be travelling on my own).

He didn't check the context. He didn't pause to think "This is a woman I don't know, about to enter a toilet cubicle. Is it appropriate for me to take control of the door - and therefore her privacy?"

And he didn't bother to ask. Let alone listen to any reply.

I think common sense and basic decency all got melted by his need to feel helpful - and the result was.....not good.

0/5 stars for the toilet man. AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

(And in case you are wondering, this is not a rare occurrence. It's happened to me several times. Rule of thumb involving bathrooms: unless I have approached you of my own choice and ASKED for help with the door, it is NEVER appropriate to touch the door to a toilet cubicle as I'm trying to enter. Regardless of gender.)

So there you have it.

When to help a disabled person:

.

1. Do they look like they are struggling/actual.ly need help?

   If YES:

2. In this context, am I probably the right person to give help?

   If YES

3. Ask if they want your help.

   If YES - go ahead and help.

If the answer to any of the above is NO - stop.

Your 'help' is not needed - and may in fact be utterly, deeply, embarrassingly inappropriate!